There are snorkellers, deep sea divers and creatures of the deep. You are somewhere between the first two and while I thought myself a diver once I’ve come to realize I pertain to the very last category.
It can be dark down there, the pressure tight enough to crush a brain to crimson ink. And while I wish to have someone hold me in that darkness, understand the depths at which I feel emotion, it’s not in me to do as sirens do and drag down their victims for want of company.
My heart breaks. More like my heart is broken and has been for so long that the good moments, so small, few and inbetween seem to vanish in the pitch darkness of the lower level sea. My eye’s have grown accustomed to the dark and so few live down here. It is a solitary existence. But what more can I ask for?
In order to have you beside me, to understand me fully and to meet me deep below, your God would have to turn back time, ravage your childhood, destroy your family through sickness like dominoes, have you feel the crushing weight of supreme betrail over and over again until the taste of it in your mouth became so normal that its acidity would no longer make you gag. He’d have to break apart your friendships, kill off your closest comrades all while you watched shipwrecked with no way to help.
Queen Elizabeth I stated, “The past cannot be cured.” So what am I grabbing at here? Nothing. Just the fact that you’ll never dive deep enough to reach me because your heart was never torn to pieces so many times you forgot what it felt like to beat in tune with the universe. Leaving you a needy, pitiful beggar for something…more.
After her death they called her a Queen. She was loved by all, yet she’d not always been easy to love. Not when substances blinded her and her subjects, reducing them to heartless cannibals. Their souls sold to a moment of ecstasy, kush, white lines snorted from tables, bottles drained like their bodies. Pushing back at all those who could not bare the weight of their house sigil. Nor the toxicity that had shackled them to the castle walls. I was never respected in the eyes of the people around her. I resent that. More than I can stand. I’ve lost sleep over it. I’m angry that her people who were once mine see me as a worthless beggar, a villain that began an era of hate and anger, unforgivness. I did nothing to deserve it. I could not save them from themselves and thus I am the only one who does not bare ink in the name death christened her with. For I did not know the one they named Queen. I loved and missed the girl I knew hidden deep within. The one who’d disappeared a long time prior to the reapers call. The one I once called friend. Her name now an echo in time.
Awaken from your slumber, simmering one,
Old friend I know so well and miss
Brimstone has surrounded you for far too long,
Let your anger cool like waters kiss,
I need you more than ever now to warm my frozen heart
stuck in between a beat and stuck between breaking apart
Set my soul ablaze again, let faith run through my veins
Reawaken what sleeps now, take away old putrid pain
Purify me of the darkness I allowed to chase you out
Illuminate me with your warmth, chase the snakes out
Unburden me of banked flames seeking within me release
Let your passion flow through me, giving way to peace
I know I may have locked you up in fear of burning away,
But without some fire now and then I seem to lose my way
Walk with me again, I ask you take me on your wings,
Where swords are forged to win the war and dragons always sing
Art by Sarah Gomez
Follow her on Instagram: saraheliart
(Though the show just recently passed I still wanted to share this blog about my little journey of dance and how it inspired me to feel whole again. Enjoy. It was written prior to showtime but with all the rehearsals and running around I present it to you now). Photo by Bradley Marshall or dancer hubby.
I’ve never felt so included and so part of a team as I do now. I have been belly dancing since I was fifteen years old, that makes it ten years since I fell in love with Egyptian dance. I learned all I could from my early instructors, Samay of Mid-East Performing Arts Company and then for a brief time once I left Florida with Alexandra Smith of the Alexandria Dance company in Knoxville, Tennessee. Several workshops between by instruction of either school helped me to gain more of a respect for the art form. I went on hiatus for a few years after this due to medical issues. Once healthy enough to try to pick up where I left off I joined the students of Belly Motions in fall of 2015 after having moved back to Miami, Florida. I was so nervous to start again. Getting to know new people, being afraid of overly competitive dancers, and trying to keep up when I was so out of shape felt like a giant weight on my shoulders the first day I walked back into class. Though I’d been at advanced level years prior I forced myself to start from beginners again and work my way back up (as I’ve done every time there is too long a gap between training).
I attended several classes held by Miss Alexandra on the weekend to try to catch up and although terrified couldn’t pass up a challenge that presented itself only two weeks after I began. I was told choreography programs were soon to commence for a theatre production being held in spring 2016. Taking a leap of faith I signed up for an advanced level baladi choreography knowing I’d been two years out of practice.
This is how I came to join eleven other dancers under the direction of Yesenia, our instructor and choreographer extraordinaire, who has drilled us for the last six months. Alongside them I was able to prove to myself I could still step up to challenges, face them dead on, make new friends and be humbled by amazingly talented people. I was stunned at the inclusivity I felt from the other dancers and staff and can honestly say I have never felt so appreciated, so part of a team as I do now. My expectations of diva type dancers who degraded others were bashed. My old conceptions of the dance community in Miami were re-aligned to a more positive frequency. With the guidance of our instructor the students and I were able to learn an advanced level choreography we are due to perform only three days from now on stage. It has been such a humbling, positive and strengthening experience. I’m a more mature woman compared to who I was years ago when I first started Egyptian belly dance. I still have a lot of studying and training to do but I can finally say I am proud of myself for falling back into something I love so much while battling bouts of depression, anxiety and medical issues that kept me out of commission for so long. I have Miss Yesenia, the Belly Motions team and the wonderful students I dance alongside to thank. Your strength and dedication were and continue to be an inspiration. (One of our girls showed up to rehearsals with I.V. needles taped to her arm so she could receive treatment before &/or after dance when she discovered she had Lyme disease. Talk about dedication, strength and drive. You go Nancy!) Thank you all for helping me believe in team work, art and myself again.
If you live in the Miami area and are interested in taking a class at Belly Motions click on the link below or stop by the studio.
I just wanted to write a quick blurb before this weeks actual blog post is posted. I have been given the honor of writing for UNIQUE ME magazine. It is a regional magazine dedicated to helping support families in the community who have children or loved ones with special needs. The Fall Issue will be out soon but for now here is a link to the mag’s website: http://www.uniquememagazine.com/index.html
The entire writing staff has been lovely to work with thus far and they all believe in spreading love and light on issues that should probably be addressed more often in our world. They are a strong and powerful group of writers and parents who started this magazine through non-profit means. Many of them have children with special needs of their own and want nothing more than to share their support with others in the community who may be going through this similar journey in parenthood. Help us spread the love and look for the next issue of UNIQUE ME magazine coming this fall.
Awakening of the Warrior
You hold the lock and key buried within the rising and falling of that borrowed chest
Encased in the prison of your ribs she screams
Suffocating, reaching out blindly, seeking the surface
Freedom comes at a price high enough to keep the most
Brilliant soul chained beneath the thickest of masks
Who knew flesh could turn dungeon
Smile a chant of deceit
and veins manacles
The present view a ghost in a shell
numb and molded to live out Dante’s hell
Suppressed she shatters and alive expands
Breaking molds of antiquity, freedom in modernity
Acceptance revoked once truth is spoken
Integrity comes at a price but weighs heavier than dishonor to the soul
Hello to All of Blogland,
I know I’ve been absent for what feels like far too long but it is to my great relief that I am happy, healthy, whole and once again back in Miami. The process to move from Tennessee to Florida was a swift one and came to a surprise to just about everyone including myself. I booked a flight and headed back south only recently.
I was met by a mountain of challenges that seemed to pop out of every nook and cranny of the city when I arrived but after several months of boxing with life I have finally pulled my gloves off. This means I am back to the glory of my world: My family, my ocean and my writing. I will also report that I am recovering from a surgery that took place only a week ago. I am on my way to a quick recovery and am taking full advantage of my time to write and free my mind of all the toxins that have accumulated there within the past year.
So I do apologize my dears for the long break but your blogger babe is back, finishing up a novel and tuning in too you lovelies on a regular basis.